If you can loop
this song while you read this...I highly suggest it.
MY FIRST MUSIC FESTIVAL – White
Haven, PA – April 18-20th, 2014
I was surrounded
by darkness and energy in the woods. I could barely see the outlines of
the bodies that made up my circle of friends as we engaged in the most
meaningful conversation ever taken place on Earth. The bottled water felt
weird in my hand.
"The woods. God…I hardly ever visit this place," I thought, slightly overcome by the presence of my surroundings. I felt excited, and nervous with guilt, like a man of God back in church after a sinner's absence. I stood in the woods; naked in soul and alone at heart.
I was ashamed. I didn't
know my own mother nature enough.
Yet, still, she was inviting me to stay. The pleasing
presence of this 'forgotten' part of life made me even more uncomfortable with
the person I'd become. I quickly realized why I, and many like me, hadn't been to the woods in a while.
"A whole 'nother night and two days are still ahead," I worried, calculating the amount of drugs pulsating through my body against my mind’s need for sleep. “Sleep? Sleep, where?” I joked, as I looked around at countless old tents and parked cars on the hill.
Each pull of the blunt, each lighter spark, and the distance
resembled a summer night being greeted by a pack of dancing lightning bugs. A heavy smoker’s cough and a deep-bellied
chuckle usually followed the flame’s spark.
Back at home, on a
typical Friday night, I wouldn't even flinch at the thought of a possible two
day 'binge' of fun. Surrounded by this many people? People of this variety? With enough drugs
to last? It would
certainly, without question, be time to party.
But, here, in the woods? Guess what?
There was every drug you could imagine. Every drug you've ever
'asked' for. And, there were like-minded individuals of both sex heavily
present. There was plenty of music and
good vibes. "There was a fucking
golf cart with a 'drug menu' hanging from its side riding around the trail, for
fuck sake." And, for some reason, you weren't yourself.
You were nervous to begin, nervous of what was to come…
Begin what, though?
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Some would call
the music festival experience a discovery of the self. A journey that,
physically, takes place under some fucking trees. But, spiritually and
mentally, takes place deep inside
the conscious of the concert goer. Deeper than the person has typically gone
before.
Deep? Deep, where?
We don't do ourselves justice when we try to describe humans.
Either we are describing ourselves, and we reach the point of humility,
stopping to be sure not to boast. Or, we are describing others, and we
can't possibly categorize
the way another person 'ticks'. Or, why they act like they do.
How can someone possibly describe how they use their
own experiences to fuel the
thought that produces the actions
that lead towards the
goal that they have described to themselves as
the happiest place they can be? And, those indescribable things about the
human are still just along the scratch of the surface.
Always knowing I
was 'deeper' and more complex than I had ever had the chance to express (without
the curse of judgement and embarrassment), I immediately settled in to the
experience in the woods. I recognized everyone's spirit and journey
around me.
We all seemed to connect on two things at first:
No-one was going to judge.
And, none of us knew exactly what the fuck we were doing, attached
to this large ball in the great abyss of time and space.
Regardless of
where we were in the galaxy, the enlightenment of self would take place in the
darkness among strangers. There was no map. There was none before
you that was exactly like you. Therefore, there was no-one that could lay
out the possibilities of what you
might do. How you might react to the situation.
If you dared to roam the grounds, there was no way to tell the
difference between the shaman (A guide) and the shit-faced (A burnout).
There was no guarantee you'd return. A step into the blackness,
especially alone and high (or at least willing to get high), was literally a step off the edge and into the
unknown.
The story you
heard of a festival goer being found weeks
later, by some guests of the following
festival, was enough for you to
picture worse-case scenario.
Yet, still, at a
time when you would typically
bundle up in your blanket, there was no
reason to go to sleep. And, no
reason to stay sober. Therefore,
there was no reason not to get as high as you'd ever gotten. You knew yourself to be of the non-violent
variety of human and, therefore, you couldn’t come up with a reason not to.
(Other than fear, which wasn’t going to cut it.)
There were no
parents. There were no cops. There were EMT's and off-duty nurses,
security guards. There were experts all around you that had dealt with
all types of 'crazy wood scenarios' before.
Most importantly, all
the normal day to day bullshit... was non-existent. And, you weren't sure the next time you would get
the chance. It was like being at the
amusement park as a scared, little kid all over again. Your tiny heart wanted to ride the huge, intimidating
roller coaster. But, when you didn’t,
the car drove off. And, you stared out
of the window disgusted with your decision, ashamed of your confidence.
Within the first
hour, I knew something inside of myself was going to change over the weekend.
Early on, I was basically deciding how much of myself I would ‘let go of’
in order to let the woods take over. This
is the origin of the saying, “He went off the deep end.” It refers to a person that went on some
sort of spiritual journey and barely made it back.
How deep was I willing to go?
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A lot of times, drugs can be the gateway to a spiritual place in
your soul. Most people, in their first ‘trip’
on LSD or Mushrooms, have at least one moment in time that involves a feeling
of God, or a higher power. The common
belief is that these drugs allow you to ‘enter’ your own subconscious
world. This is why they are dangerous. This is why they are being used and
considered for psycho-therapy and addiction treatment.
The drug can literally allow you to see exactly why you are who
you are.
After just a few experiences, even a beginner LSD user can see how much guilt plays a part
on your day-to-day thoughts and reactions.
Those times, when you hurt someone close to you, they sit on your
conscious for a lot longer than you realize.
‘Visiting’ that place in your mind, the drug ‘puts you through’ the emotion in a way that can’t be
described. You might think of the
negative experience for an instant. And then, BOOM, you shoot down in to the emotion, feeling it to the Nth
degree.
It reminds me of Jesus and how he claimed to have ‘taken on the
sins and guilt of the entire human
race’. Certain trips, if you’re dealing
with some heavy guilt, or even a bad
breakup, it can certainly feel as though you are ‘taking on’ the guilt of all
the people involved.
While in the emotion,
you might be seen cringing and moaning somewhere in the corner of the room, or
the woods. This is known as, “Crawling
out of your skin.” Again, common belief
states that, the negative feeling you put
yourself through during the trip, is the pain working itself out of you. You are working through and repairing this ‘black
spot’ on your soul. The proof can
sometimes be found in the clean and ‘washed over’ feeling the user would wake
up with the ‘following’ day.
Alone, and without the comforting thought of, “Let Go and Let God,”
it was up to me to keep it together on my journey. Technically, it was only me in those woods
that night. I was alone and
participating in an enlightenment of the soul.
The big, bad roller coaster looked intimidating. So, I swallowed another tab and held on for
dear life…
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I'll take you back a little bit to better describe where I was
in the woods. When a mother gives her
son the option to choose religion or not, the free spirit of the (strong) human
being will always choose not. (Some, I'm sure,
were given the choice, but felt weak and wanted to be a part of something.)
Most of us are not given that choice. At
certain religious levels, we are threatened to be removed from the
community, from the family, if
we 'decide' not to follow along with the tradition of religion.
Meanwhile, at our
very nature, it's our gut
instinct that guides us.
It's the intuition that we make our decisions based off. It is not a fairy tale book that was written
and re-written thousands of years ago. An avid church-going, 'religious
freak', would drop everything he knew if the priest came at him with a shotgun
in the pew. Instinct would tell him it was time to curse God and RUN.
That being said,
when you have no religion, and you base what you believe on your day-to-day experiences
and your logic, the world can be a huge, lonely and scary place. If you picture
the world for what it really is, a bunch of science formulas
running a magical, sustainable living space, you may have some trouble figuring
out exactly why you are here. (Especially when
the 'here' is; 'here in the woods
experimenting with a bunch of mind-blowing chemicals'.)
Without religion,
there isn't that one thought you
can always count on to find relief, to make your self believe everything
is going to be okay. (Hence, the word 'make-believe'.) For
example, at a time of extreme anxiety, a Christian might say the serenity
prayer and seek Jesus in their mind. This allows them an escape from the
reality of the situation. A safe haven, if you will.
Me? Well, I
only knew two things for sure. I was
standing on a surface that resembled Earth. And, I was surrounded by good
people with good intentions. The rest was just life. And I couldn't
wait to learn more about the land and the amazing human creatures that
inhabited it.
I also knew what not to do. And that was leave my
friends. The darkness took over a mere 10 feet away in any
direction. As I looked around for ideas
of what to do next, my friend, Johnny, felt my desire to investigate the area.
He entered my personal space and, without a flinch, said, "Yo...just
relax, brother. We're gonna’ be walking all
over this place
tonight."
He moved his body
away from mine at the same speed he unattached his brain from my thoughts.
The longtime festival goer knew a free spirit when he saw one. And,
free spirits handle a music festival a lot different than most. With that
one comment, Johnny had confirmed a thousand things we both already knew but
never spoke about. He signed himself up for shaman. And, at the
same time, gave me the option for having enough confidence not to need one.
Regardless, he
made it okay to be in the woods and starting to feel the mushrooms. I
stepped outside of myself even more and remembered entering the festival
grounds. I remembered how we almost passed the entrance, slamming on the
brakes to the car as someone shouted, "There
it is!"
I remembered the long, dark, dirt road that we almost
turned around on, not seeing any lights and arguing whether we had shown up a
week early by mistake. And, then, I remembered seeing the first
flashlight. "Some kid ran up to our car and... he hit our
blunt...and directed us into the darkness..." My
mind pictured myself from the view of a space satellite. “It would have to zoom pretty far the fuck
in to see where I was sleeping tonight.”
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Typically, when I
am this under the
influence of one or more substances, it would be alcohol that was pulling the
strings of the show. In the woods?
Surrounded by free thinkers and people that found the edge of life quite
comfortable? Alcohol wasn't even a part
of the conversation.
Put it this way;
the few random people that actually brought beer to the music festival, they
spread the word of the drug's availability in a slightly embarrassed manner.
I knew I had not been this fucked up
since my last appearance at a local bar.
It must’ve been why I had so much trouble with the bottled water
in my hand. I was subconsciously
chugging at it and expecting a horrible taste. The water continually saturated my dry, ‘molly’
mouth and gave me the energy to continue.
In the morning, I would wake up to see a mountain of empty bottles by our vehicle.
We were among friends and campfire stories, lit up with rosy
cheeks and the feelings of fresh tomorrows. It was my only festival that
year. It didn't take long for something amazing to happen.
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While lost in thought, I vibed with the sound of something
very familiar coming from the woods. It was 100 yards or so away from our campsite.
"This..." I reached for something or
someone in front of me, waving at nothing but blackness. The deja vu and the drugs and the chills and
I almost passed out. Johnny sensed something was wrong.
Grabbing my shoulder, as if he had flashlights for eyes, he said
authoritatively, "Craig B. What's Wrong…Craig B?"
I had nothing to
say. I couldn't believe it was happening. My mind raced, "There's
NO way. We would've known about this. I'm...” I
was mad and confused and ecstatic. "Yo. Who's got one of those programs?”
I finally said, moving my body around so the circle would notice my presence in
the darkness.
Nobody even knew what I was talking about because nobody knew any of the bands on the
lineup.
"Guys...wait..."
R.P. looked up from his wheelchair, “Yo,
Craig. You alright?” I answered, expecting to be laughed at, “Dude…that’s
Krissy.”
“Krissy?”
“Yeah, Krissy. From Spirit World. With Ryan.”
“…Wait, what? Are you sure?” “Dude…it’s her. Just…listen.”
A break in the laughter and conversation around us combined with a
soul healing, high-pitched scream from the stage. The unmistakable voice of the red-headed
goddess rang through the woods. It was
familiar and pleasant. It soothed my
panicked heart and I almost teared up, like she had found me shivering and lost
in the woods.
We grabbed some things and walked towards one of the three stages
that were set up throughout the grounds, flashlight in tow. As Ryan, Krissy, and the rest of the Spirit
World Band came into the light of our view, we all looked at each other
and laughed. The journey had become meaningful
and important within the first few hours.
And, suddenly, the emotion that the drugs had shot us in to this time, was that of love.
Love filled the air and immediately filled the woods.
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We embraced its presence and spread it to everyone we saw over the weekend. It was a discovery of self and of
others. It was wisdom. It was darkness. It was the last time I would be that person I
was. I knew, even more now, that Ryan
and Krissy and I were destined to meet. I’ve
yet to discover what we will make of our friendship. But, I’m certain that something bigger than
life has taken over.
Intuitions locked up. And, it
wasn’t some mystery as to what was guiding me anymore. It was most certainly Love. Love in all its forms.
I had evolved, and, diving deep into my own subconscious only
validated my choices. Life was good in
the woods. I plan on returning very soon. Enough trips in the woods, and you’ll start
feeling uncomfortable where your supposed
to be uncomfortable.
And that's anywhere that makes you not able to be yourself and spread
love. Anywhere that does not allow you to be free.
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